Thursday, February 28, 2008

Invasion U.S.A.

it seems that her Majesty's Government is about to take over the U.S., this statemet was anounced early this morning...



In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President
of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of
the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not
fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will
be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour'
and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping
half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -
ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to
take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You
will
relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
handled
by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without
suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough
to
handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish
to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense
of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
Fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred
to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound
for
pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to
the
beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did
for
them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play
English characters. Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue
in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's
ears
removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind
of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will,
in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or
wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try
rugby -
the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly
thrash
us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside
of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we
will
let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of
their
deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies
due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never
mugs,
with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

3 comments:

GlobalBuzz said...

absolutely classic about the revoke

Bruno said...

LOL!

Indigo-Daisy said...

This is quite amusing! I love it!

Americans can not comprehend the depths to what has happened to the Iraqi people right down to losing their country. This kind of puts it in perspective.

I hope one day you are able to see your country returned.

Blessings,

Deborah